UKIP Uncovered
What motivates the leaders of the United Kingdom Independence Party?

Sunday, January 02, 2005 

Not Another Hoax Non-Hoax E-mail!

The following has been circulating on the internet amongst UKIP and ex-UKIP stalwarts. I thought it deserved a wider audience, even though the true author is unknown. My compliments to them nevertheless, it started my New Year with a chuckle:

'My New Year Message' (slightly edited)

I'm really sorry that, Nigel Farage's, office boy, little Markie, has sent out a Hoax message that claims to be from me. It isn't!!! I'm not surprised that he's done this though, because Nigel never consults me about anything (even though he tells me, I really am the Leader)!

Well, I am Leader, and I'm fed up with Nigel doing things behind my back. I'm going to be a real Leader from now on. So there!

Thanks to your steadfastness, and my well honed political skill, I obtained a great political reward on June 10th. Don't listen to those who claim that the intervention of someone called, Robert Kilroy Silk, had anything to do with my getting a ticket to Brussels. He made no measurable contribution, and has now gone off somewhere. Nigel will probably choose to do the same when he reads this. He doesn't like to be upstaged by anyone. Especially me.

Anyway, as you all know, after the EU elections I became an MEP, and all my money problems vanished. I've already ordered a new cocktail bar, ready for entertaining . I might even invite some of the Gad Fly Club, if I can ever find one of them sober enough to realise who I am.

Now that I've put Nigel in his place, I must try and get out a bit more. I need to hire a new team of boot licker's and yes men. That creepy man in the UKIP South West , keeps telling me that I already have honest assistants and experts, but what does he know! Anyway, he's too close to Nigel if you ask me.

I also want to tell you about a little problem that I have. It seems that there are some extremists amongst us, who are clinging to outdated concepts. Concepts such as morality and truthfulness. I have to tell you that, that, just won't do! After all, UKIP is now a 'Real Political Party', and we all have to behave like real politicians. I used to be a 'Whip' you know!

Do you know dear serfs, members, some of you have even criticised, me, for not turning up to vote against the new EU Commissioners. I did think about it, but, Carolyn, (that's my wifey) said it would be better if I kept my head down. So that was that. I'm sure you understand. She Who Must Be Obeyed, and all that.

But enough of negative things. I don't like negative things, they upset ones system so. Anyway, once the new recruits have been indoctinated, educated, and come to understand that I must be obeyed, because, I am the real Leader, there will be policies to be resolved. Credible policies which will reflect my views and will withstand exacting scrutiny. I hope no one says, 'In my dreams'. I have ways of finding out you know!!!!

The draft of our manifesto (which some of you lucky ones will have seen), is just one example of the wonders, I have in store for you.

I know, I know, Nigel, was supposed to have been going to have the manifesto ready, already, but you know Nigel! He's probably had more important things to do. Things like helping his mates to crawl onto the pavement. You can always rely on Nigel, not to recognise the priorities, is what I say!

Now to the future. This coming year, you have a huge amount to do. There is a, General Election in prospect, in which you must consolidate my many victories to date.

There's a prize, of a fortnight in a tent in my back garden, if anyone can give a list of all the victories I've won since June.

So get out there, and tell the punters that a vote for my U KIP is a vote for a 'New World Order'. No, on second thoughts, tell them that a vote for my U KIP is a vote for honesty, integrity, lower taxes, and anything else you can think of. Remember to be, politicians!!!!

Make sure you tell the punters, I'm dead against Turkey joining the EU. Unless of course you live in an area with a lot of freedom loving Muslims. Then say that I'm dead against intolerant
Christians. That way we keep them all happy.

Oh, and make sure punters are told that we have no reason to fear identity cards. Identity Cards will be most helpful. The government is after all, only following my U KIP policy. Remember that it was me, personally, who set the example (that Tony Blair has now followed), when I refused to accept the wishes of so many to hold an EGM. After all I always know what's best. I'm sure you'll understand when I say that, democracy is a dangerous thing to give to ordinary people. Best leave that sort of thing to professional politicians like me.

As you know, our institutions have been under attack in recent years, so when campaigning, be sure to tell people that my U KIP will seek to restore pride and accountability to local government. We will also seek to restore the House of Lords, which will be reformed and made respectable once again. This will sound good, but means anything I want it to mean, and, most importantly, binds me to nothing. Remember, we are a real political party now!

So let no-one tell you that a vote for U KIP is wasted. Tell them yourselves!

If anyone deserves a good New Year, it is you, my loyal supporter. You who have withstood both disregard and disdain from, Nigel, who never consults me about anything, even though he tells me I really am the Leader.

May I wish you a very compliant 2005.


PS: Oh dear oh dear, Carolyn says Nigel is on the phone. Such a dear boy, but sensitive and prone to hissy fits, if you know what I mean!

PPS: Hang on a minute, what if Nigel sees this. Oh dear oh dear...... and what if he tells his little hippy friend, you know, the book-worm one!

Dear reader kindly disregard this letter!

Not prepared and distributed by Mark Croucher, U.K. Independence
Party -ID Group - National Press Officer.

posted by Martin |9:04 AM
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